Stepmother left to look after her husband's 12 and 14-year-old children, while he plays poker every night after work: ‘I already am the default parent for laundry, school pickup, scheduling, meals, and the primary caretaker anytime during school breaks’

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Apr 11, 2025 12:00 PM EDT

The sharing of household duties and responsibilities is an age-old source of conflict in any living situation. But, it takes a different form when the only adults in the home are you and your spouse, and the happiness and stability of your relationship becomes largely dependent on how honest and self-aware you are about your contribution to the home. Still, studies have shown that all of us tend to overestimate our own contributions to the household while underestimating those of others. This, of course, includes caring for any children you might have together.

Sure, when you're marrying into a family with two children, you should probably expect there to be some child-care involved, but that doesn't seem to be the sole cause for concern here. It would be one thing if he were simply working late every night, but when he's leaving the care of his own children up to her while he goes and enjoys leisure activities, it seems he's passing off his own responsibility onto his spouse and using her as a convenient way to find care for his own children. The poster/stepmother mentions that her husband "wasn't allowed to pursue his hobbies" in his first marriage, and you can't help but think that, given this situation, his ex-wife was just trying to get him to own some responsibility. Reading this account of events really starts to make you wonder why his first marriage ended in the first place…

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  • 01

    "AITA for expecting my husband to be home every night that we have his kids (my stepkids) at home?"

    My husband has two kids from his previous marriage. Both boys, 12 and 14. They are sweet kids, but they're teenage boys...they're wild, they tend to get into fights, they're messy, and listening is not their best life skill at this stage of brain development. I do not have. biological kids of my own. I met these kids when we started dating about 4 years ago, and we've all lived together for about 2.5 years.
    via Educational-Nature35
  • 02
    SAN FRANC Origin EST. 199
    via Super Straho

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 03
    Long story, but we moved last summer about 60 miles from our old home. The move was because the boys bio mom got remarried to a guy who lived in a different part of the state. To avoid the kids bearing the brunt of the commute, we agreed to move. My husband still commutes to work, and I work from home full time now.
    via Educational-Nature35
  • 04
    We have 50/50 custody of his kids. During the school year, we never have the kids on Monday or Tuesday nights. My husband enjoys playing in low stakes, bar poker games, so he generally does that on Mondays and Tuesdays. It's a very long drive to the venue where he plays, so he stays with friends near our old house on those nights and doesn't come home. Not my favorite
    via Educational-Nature35
  • 05
    arrangement, but I go out of my way to ensure he feels like he has autonomy to enjoy his hobbies (something he definitely didn't have in marriage #1). The issue has come up with regards to our summer custody schedule, which switches to one week on, one week off from the normal school year schedule. It recently came out in conversation that he expected to still play in his poker game on Tuesday nights
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  • 06
    during the summer and that he was fully planning on staying with friends and not coming home those nights. It has always been our understanding and agreement that he would be home any night we have the boys here. When I brought this up, he told me he didn't think it was a big deal to not be home one night a week and to expect me to handle everything on those nights.
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  • 07
    I am super uncomfortable being here with them alone. They make me anxious, I hate when they fight, and I don't think it's my place as a stepparent to discipline them. If they were kids who just read books and sat in silence all night, I might feel differently-but there's an always greater than 0% chance that someone is literally throwing punches, and I have no interest in being solely in charge of that
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  • 08
    situation. I already am the default parent for laundry, school pickup, scheduling, meals, and the primary caretaker anytime during school breaks (since I work from home). I have clearly communicated to my husband how I feel about being here alone with them, so he is aware.
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  • 09
    Beyond how it impacts me, I don't think it's a great example for the kids, either. It's not like my husband is on work trips-it's like "hey dad would rather play poker than be here with you". I just feel like part of being a parent is you have to plan your life around kid stuff. My husband already has it easier than most because of the joint custody and the fact that I am happy to sacrifice some of the few days we would have alone for the two of us so that he can pursue this hobby.
    via Educational-Nature35
  • 10
    So serve it to me straight-AITA here?! My husband is making me feel like I am, but I just feel like this is me making a reasonable ask and trying to set a very legitimate boundary.
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  • 11
    Cheezburger Image 10492982784
    via Lesli Whitecotton - lnicolern
  • 12
    Soggy-Beach-1495 Back when this was happening to my brother and I, there was no 50/50 custody, so maybe people just view it different now. But for us, if we would go to my dad's house for a weekend, and he wasn't available, we'd be wondering why the f there. To hang out with our stepmom who we didn't really get along with anyway? When we could have been home we were instead with our stuff and our friends.
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  • 13
    ForeverMoody2 NTA The whole point of the custody agreement is so they see their father. They might as well stay with their mother on that day. You're right, it's sending the kids a bad message.
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  • 14
    Cali_Holly NTA How wonderful for your husband. He gets to continue with his interests and hobbies all year round. Because why not? He has YOU to take over HIS responsibilities and babysit HIS rambunctious preteen boys. But seriously? He needs to take a break from his hobbies during
    via Educational-Nature35
  • 15
    the summer when his boys are there every other week. It's not fair to leave that all up to you. And I hope that you have your own interests and hobbies so that you aren't always at home which gives your husband the impression that you will always be available at his convenience.
    via Educational-Nature35
  • 16
    United-Manner20 NTA and this is the bare minimum he should do. You are doing way more than most to be honest. You uprooted your life to make his easier and he still expects you to be the primary parent during his time. He is taking advantage of you and your kindness. He wanted time with them- they are his kids. If they are there, he should be as well. They are not your kids and it doesn't sound like he is grasping that.
    via Educational-Nature35
  • 17
    Cheezburger Image 10492982528
    via JSB Co. For Unsplash+

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 18
    Huge-Singer-7049 He married you so he would. have a nanny to raise his kids. He's not interested in doing it.
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  • 19
    tuigdoilgheas NTA. Is he a gambling addict or just an AH?
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family dynamics teens family drama stepmother aita AITAH kids teenagers blended family siblings stepchild moms family feud parenting family reddit thread parent raising kids parents children
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